The Deliricon

"The Horror! The Horror!"
The DDGD Holy Glossary of Terms that Should be Part of Your Everyday Vocabulary But Aren't For Some Unfathomable Reason.


Special Terms

The Deliricon: A glossary of terms most suitable to describe the state of our current global malaise.

The Delirica: The delirial equivalent of an op-ed. The word itself is a technically a plural of Deliricum, but it is usually used and treated as a singular.

The Deliricum: The singular form of the term Delirica, currently used by Deliriologists to point out a word or a statement in sentence that has particular delirial connotations. For instance: “In a recent address to his fellow Republican presidential candidates, Mr. Trump appealed to reason asking them all to refrain from hate speech.” The word “reason” in this context is an example of a Deliricum.

The Delirindex: A growing list of groups and organizations that embody the delirial potential in this world.

The Delirynth: A rundown of various delirial developments.

A

Actually (also: Truly): A political term signaling the beginning of a big lie. For Example: “I actually do like President Obama, and I truly think he’s a nice and decent human being,” said prodemocracy activist Ammar Abdulhamid in an interview on Christmas Eve with Sod Off Magazine. Translation not necessary. 

American Rhodesia: In Washingtonian lore, Rhodesia represents a mythical colony where amorality, indifference and moral apathy are presumed to represent sound policy and said to have no consequences of note. Its capital, Obamala, is rumored to be inhabited by a proud people famed for their love of calculus, disengagement, the Shirk ‘N’ Shift and not doing stupid shit like giving the occasional damn or fuck even as horrible things transpire. Indeed, the Obamalites are said to have long traded their damns for drones, and their moral sense for cheap incense.  

Anal Oral Confusion: An affliction that enables people to use their asses for thinking and anuses for speaking, while simultaneously transforming their mouths into conduits for defecation, urination and copulation. 

Assad: (Ass + Sad): A sad and lonely anus whose continuous involuntary shitting can only be cured by the medievalist practice of impalement. An old ‘Alawite smuggler who lived in a small mountainous village in northern Syria in early Twentieth Century decided to adopt the epithet as his family name by way of acknowledging and embracing his shitty lot in the world, and that of anyone fool enough to expect any good to come out of someone’s sad anus.

(The) AssPut: An offer put forward by one asshole to another the deceptive and desperate nature of which is too obvious to allow it to be seriously entertained.

(The) AssPutin: A political animal formed out of the unholy union of two genocidal autocrats: one a consummate idiot, the other a consummate killer. The union can only take place in an environment rich with pure apathy and moral decrepitude, conditions known to affect the entire planet from time to time, producing a plethora of AssPutins, AssPutin wannabes, and conflicts. 

B

(The) Benign Wench: See the Donald.

Banadora's Box: According to Arab mythology, Princess Banadora so loved that red sweet-sour fruit known to us as the Tomato that she gave her very name to it. She, then, built a magic box that can transform anything one puts in it into tomatoes, or banadoras. Unsurprisingly, ancient peoples tried to avoid storing their precious belongings in Banadora’s Box, except during time of drought and famine where the Box became their main lifeline. In modern times, the term is used to refer to bad investments, such as investing in hedge funds and buying bonds based on securities resulting from bundling subprime mortgages, or trusting a Realist President.

(The) Benjamin Netanyahu Disease (AKA the BENNET Syndrome): A new virulent variety of an old disease caused by a viral infection currently thriving in the Middle East. It’s characterized by having too much hate in one’s heart that it ends up frying one’s brain, turning one into a veritable psychopathic “Yahu.” Scientists also refer to indifference and cynicism as being major contributing factors in the spread of the disease.

Example: Following the recent statements by Israeli Prime Benjamin Netanyahu in which he accused the Grand Mufti of Palestine of encouraging Hitler to exterminate the Jews, a statement belied by Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel, not to mention historical facts, medical scientists unanimously concluded that, by acting like such a “Yahu,” the Israeli PM seems to have contracted a new virulent variety of an old regional virus that turns people into raving loons.

Appropriately enough, the scientists decided to name this new strain of the virus and the new variant of the disease after Mr. Netanyahu, hence their reference to the Yahu Virus and the Benjamin Netanyahu Disease or the BENNET Syndrome. Sources at the CDC speak of genuine concerns that the new disease could soon become a global pandemic. In this regard, sources within the CDC refer to the existence of so many carriers of the Yahu Virus both in the Middle East and on the global stage.

“At any given moment,” said one CDC source speaking on conditions of anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the information he is providing, “the hate in the heart of a potential carrier could rise to a level that allows for the revival of the dormant strain which, considering the prevailing geopolitical conditions throughout the world, is likely to metastasize into the virulent variety currently observed in Mr. Netanyahu, thus, spreading the disease by a process of psychological osmosis.”

Indeed, psychological osmosis “has always been the primary conduit for spreading the Yahu Virus,” the source added, and the current geopolitical conditions which already show near catastrophic levels of indifference and cynicism, are bringing us ever closer to the “Yahu Moment,” that is, the point in time when the quantity of hateful figures, aka Yahu Agents, on the global scene reaches a certain tipping point allowing them to plunge the world into mayhem of apocalyptical proportions.

The Bennet Syndrome: See (The) Benjamin Netanyahu Disease under B.

The Berniemeisters (AKA The Bernie Brownie Gang): The American Progressive equivalent of the Swiss Guard, known for being clueless but hip-with-it. Members of this Post-Post-Modern Guard are known for their addiction to appreciation of a certain kind of brownies, hence their more common but less formal name: the Bernie Brownie Gang. 

Berniela: An alternate reality better described in John Lennon’s song “Imagine,” and better embodied in Charles Manson’s vision of Helter Skelter.

Blob-Beating: The modern equivalent of fighting windmills. Related terms: 1) Beat around the Blob: wasting one’s time by going through the motions of deceiving someone who’s already a willing party to the deception. Usually used in the negative, as in: don’t beat around the blob, just tell me what you need me to do. 2) To Beat one’s Blob: to masturbate, more often in the intellectual sense of making oneself appear more intelligence, in charge, or powerful than they usually are.

(The) Blobbening: The process by which reasonably intelligent and conscientious human beings are transformed into morally apathetic dolts. The process usually involves repeated turning of the other cheek until both cheeks are completely numb, at which point the ongoing beating can be safely ignored. Moreover, the process is usually facilitated by an ideological predisposition to believe in certain lies and comforting illusions, such as the proposition that, when it comes to politics, people will eventually behave rationally, and that the propensity for doing stupid shit can be effectively countered by doing nothing at all, that is, until one can’t really hold it anymore at which point soiling oneself is seen as “no biggy.”

(The) Blobber: 1) A thick layer of pure assholery found just under the skin of certain politicians, journalists, pundits and other public figures. The layer is thought to be the result of excess deposits of ideological bullshit in the brain. 2) A kind of political gibberish designed for the specific purpose of making a twit of a politician sound reasonably intelligent.

Boris ShortFangs: an artist rendering
Boris ShortFangs (AKA Boris the Bullocker): A mythical British court jester who dared dream of becoming king. He inflated his ego and further reduced the size of his brain and heart, and some say even his hands, but, ironically enough, not his hair, and that, according to some versions of the tale, was enough for him to, at least, qualify for the run to become head of the state, albeit one that was far diminished by his presence, both physically and morally. These were the worst of times.

Brain Halitosis: See Farticle.

(The) Brown Matter: See Trumpeces.

C

Club Shit:  A safe haven for all those illegally obtained funds of the Shitty and Infamous. 

Contrarian Thoughts Repellent (CTR): A top-secret industrial drug made available in the form of body spray but only to certain high-level politicians and other public figures from around the world. The drug is said to make its users particularly impervious to any argument that goes contrary to their deeply cherished beliefs, no matter how rational it happens to be and irrespective of the amount of direct evidence supporting it. U.S. President Barack Obama is believed to be “highly reliant” on the drug, with former members of his administration claiming that he is, in fact, a full-blown addict. Other well-known figures known for their CTR addiction include: American presidential candidates Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders, Syrian Dictator and Maniac-in-Chief Bashar Al-Assad, and Russian potentate Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.

Couptagon: 1) A coup d'état mounted by soldiers and/or mercenaries high on Captagon or similar drugs.  2) An attacked carried out by a bunch alienated misfit high on misdirected self-righteousness and atavistic ideology in addition to Captagon.

Cruzify-A-Muslim Day: An annual event organized by the family of Senator Ted Cruz to teach Christian compassion to Muslims by flailing few of them alive and burning bags full of asylum applications submitted by Muslim refugees. The event has become so popular, it is rumored the GOP plans to adopt it as a baptismal rite for entering the RNC.

Czarsultanism: An acute case of megalomania often observed among certain members of Zoa Autocrata, a subspecies of the human genus known for its inherent, nihilistic and perennial need for control and notice at any cost, especially when said cost can be passed to other members of the said subspecies or members of other subspecies of the said genus.

D

Delirealism: A religio-political philosophy based on the contention that when people believe in their delusions with all their hearts they will eventually succeed in transforming them into actual realities, in a process known as Delireal Transubstantiation.

Delireal Transubstantiation: See Delirealism.

Dikafwellian (Dickensian/Kafkaesque/Orwellian): An adjective used to aptly describe modern realities. But although the term itself is accurate, the intellectual credentials of its inventors and potential users remain subject to further scrutiny.

(The) Donald (AKA the Orange Horseman of the Apocalypse): An apocalyptic creature whose emergence on the American political scene has long been foretold by none other than the great Republican Wizard himself, the Grand Old Abe of Lincolnshire, shortly before his assassination by a member of the Continuously Disillusioned Morons Who Believe They Actually Stand For Something. Indeed, Republican Lore informs us that, in a brief address to a small crowd of drowsy and drooling acolytes who gathered just outside the Drumph Theater, where the unfortunate assassination took place, the Grand Abe reportedly said: “The Prophets before me have warned you of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, but today I wish to warn you of the coming of a fifth one: The Donald. Ye will know him from the fake orange fur hat that he will wear on his head and from his nauseatingly foul breath. He will emerge as the personification of your collective wet dreams and those locker rooms macho bullshittery in which ye will continue to partake over the decades thinking it makes ye look cool, and when he implodes, as he eventually will, ye will scurry in all directions like rats after the pied piper has stopped playing his flute. But ye will only find refuge in a kingdom slightly to your left governed by a benign wench who will give ye shelter and a measure of rest although she thinks that most of ye are deplorable.” 

Dosdikafwellian (Dostoyevskyesque/Dickensian/Kafkaesque/Orwellian): A synonym of the term Dikafwellian often used by more pretentious intellectual wannabe types. Hence, it’s far more common.

Drivolution: The utter stupidities that people who claim to be revolutionaries tend to utter.

Drivelutionaries: The ones often found speaking on behalf of revolutions in every forum around the world, except in the place where the actual revolution is happening. The “contributions” of the drivelutionaries to the revolution are often too marginal to be mentioned, unless, of course, one takes the negative connotation of the term “contribution.” In this case, some drivelutionaries could be credited with certain disastrous developments, but most remain too insignificant to count even in this negative light.

(The) Drumph Theater: See the Donald.

Druncula: A smug and vicious tyrant going through a particularly repressive and bloody period in his rule, and relishing every bit of it.

E

(The) Echo Chamber: A political synonym for a vacuous mind and/or conscience.

E-Colisming (AKA Rabid-Dogging): Dehumanizing a specific set of people through the use of derogatory imagery in service of a particular ideological agenda and certain parochial interests such as desire to win an election.

Erdoban: A draft UN resolution calling for an international ban on substances known to stimulate the Erdogland (See Below) leading to the production of Erdobones (See Below). Pukha and Vladali (See Under P & V) are also among the substances known to aid in the production of Erdobones (See Below). Russia, Turkey, Iran and China are among the many states opposing the ban on cultural grounds.

Erdobones: Hormones produced by the Erdogland (See below) known to cause bouts of bullshittery and megalomaniac rants and actions in the afflicted. 

Erdogland: A small gland located in the human brain just behind the temporal lobe. In the overwhelming majority of humans, it’s known to have absolutely no function. But in rare instances it was observed to produce the special hormones known as Erdobones.

F

Fantalize: See Fantalution.

Fantalution: A fantastical proposal offered as a solution to a real problem. Verb: to fantalize.

Farticle: An editorial or a news report written right after the author has experienced the equivalent of a brain fart – a bursting aneurism of hot air in the brain, itself the result of inhaling fecal gasses for too long. The phenomenon is also known as Brain Halitosis

Feardogan: According to Turkish mythology, the Feardogan is a ghoul who seeks to inspire fear in the people around him but ends up inspiring ridicule instead. His looks, his attitude and the way he takes himself seriously all combine to make him look ridiculous. And though a creature like him may not afford to look ridiculous, considering that lives in that infamously dangerous part of the jungle, Holybush, there is little that he can do about that. He keeps on trying, he keeps on failing. He keeps on flailing in anger and disappointment, and the world keeps on laughing.

Fienghouls: Mongrels resulting from the coupling of fiends and ghouls and are fetishized by Purdoganistas. (See “Purdogan”)

The Fisk&Cock Logo is known to inspire a certain je ne sais merde!

(The) Fisk & Cock: an international chain of British and British-style taverns reserved for the Lunatic Bunch from the Left, Right and Center in society. The chain was named chiefly in “honor” of well-known self-righteous pompous ideologues masquerading as journalists, Robert Fisk and Patrick Cockburn, and their favorite colleagues still high on some long forgotten and mostly hallucinated “accomplishments.” The Fisk & Cock is widely popular where the Huddle & Mull isn’t or is subject to a legal ban. In fact, in many liberty-challenged and justice-impaired states, including Russia, Iran and China, laws were introduced over the last decade obligating every town with a population totaling 5,000 and more to at least have one Fisk & Cock in operation near the town center, but preferably two. In practice, each such town now has 3-5 bustling F&Cs. The Fisk & Cock Inc. is currently administered by a special international shell NGO known as the Society of Fucking Lunatics & the Fucked-Up Lunatics Who Listen To Them, whose motto asks the cryptic yet important sounding question: are you fucking listening? Well, are you… punk?

Flexperts: A certain variety of experts known to be quite flexible when it comes to the definition of certain notions, such as facts… particularly facts. In the West, it is often easier to spot a rightwing flexpert than a leftwing one on account of the former’s shamelessness and the latter’s coyness and dexterity at subterfuge. Indeed, leftwing flexperts operating in Western societies have for long need to fall back on such an arcane practice as dissimulation, or taqiyyah as it is commonly known in Arabic, in order to survive and facilitate their penetration of the halls of academe. In autocratic societies, flexperts tend to be the only kind of “free” experts around. 

Freakionaire: A billionaire entrepreneur who languishes under the belief that the world owes him a moral debt and should recognize his genius.

Fuckyuroshka: A series of nesting Russian hopes and dreams ending with a middle finger whose top represents the smiling head of Russian Oligarch Vladdie the Pu, and the bottom the foolishness of those Russians still idolizing him.

G

Glee: In politics, glee usually refers to a mode of behavior borne out of success and self-assuredness that inspires deep feelings of frustration, resentment and envy among its observers who, on account of their failure, for which they bear utmost responsibility, they cannot be gleeful.

(The) Grand Old Abe of Lincolnshire: See the Donald.

Guacamolia: See Whackamolia.

H

(The) Hershy Tar: A special kind of odorous tar that comes out of the mouth of those afflicted by the Seymour Hersh Disease (SHD), a rare ailment to which certain narcissists who were once famous but are no longer relevant or in full possession of their faculties succumb. Symptoms include obsessive commitment to tarnishing truths and inventing facts coupled with over-reliance on the kind of “trustworthy” sources that can always be relied upon to come up with the convenient lies. The “trustworthy” lies can then be deployed by the afflicted for the purpose of constructing new conspiracy theories that can help them retrieve their long lost relevance all while maintaining an aura of independence and, even, anti-establishmentarianism, which, in turn, could help them maintain credibility with members of the International Left. Although, there is no known cure for SHD, one of the most effective methods for controlling its symptoms requires for the afflicted to gather enough of their ownHershy Tar to actually tar and feather themselves repeatedly over a period of 2-3 months every year. The science behind the correlation is not known, but scientists hope that once they understand it, they will be able to find a cure. 

(The) Huddle & Mull: 1) A delay tactic favored by many politicians in democratic and democratizing societies. The tactic is usually meant to give the electorate the impression is something is being seriously considered, where in fact nothing is being done due to strong ideological stands, diverging interests or because everyone is clueless.

2) A well-known and historic American coffeehouse chain that has its start shortly after Washington D.C. was made the capital of the United States. The original branch is still present and is often frequented by members of the U.S. government, from all three branches, due to its convenient location, history, gourmet yet affordable coffee and snacks, and its excellent collection of comic books and pulp fiction. Today, the chain has branches in most major cities around the world, except in Russia, China and Iran, among other autocratic states, where huddling, mulling and reading comics and pulps are considered to be signs of weakness, indecisiveness and frivolity, qualities that can never be associated with the ruling elite. Instead, local businessmen, with the right connections of course, started their own national chains that sought to imitate the look and feel of the Huddle & Mull, but with emphasis on strength and purposefulness as the names given to them indicate: The Czarmessiah (Russia), the Mahdi Hut (Iran), 大無所不知無所不在然而,人之常情和最肯定的共產黨領導人,喜歡成功,所有的事情,讀讀經失敗和失敗 (Dà wú suǒ bùzhī wúsuǒbùzài rán'ér, rén zhī chángqíng hé zuì kěndìng de gòngchǎndǎng lǐngdǎo rén, xǐhuān chénggōng, suǒyǒu de shìqíng, dú dújīng shībài hé shībài), or The Great Omniscient Omnipresent Yet All Too Human and Most Definitely Communist Leader Who Likes Success In All Things And Frowns Upon Failure And The Failed (China).

Note: We should never confuse the Huddle & Mull with the Fisk & Cock. See Under F)

 I

Indigenous Imperialism: According to the famous and controversial deliriologist, Delirian Mundi, Indigenous Imperialism is the phenomenon whereby smaller less powerful states attempt to cannibalize each other, or at least prey on each other’s weaknesses, in an attempt to grow stronger and become more relevant to developments on the global stage, where, according to Dr. Mundi, “the ability to deploy brute military force remains a requirement, in addition to economic and human development, for membership in the elitist and exclusive Club of Powerful Nations. The fact that economic prowess and human development are considered required criteria as well seems to have been overlooked by some small states in their search for relevance and glory.”   

(The) International Left: A consortium of useful idiots from different professional and ethnic backgrounds who, wittingly and/or unwittingly, dedicate their otherwise empty lives to serving the imperial designs of various autocracies from around the world in the name of peace.

K

(A) Kaleidoscopic Fuck: A type of cluster fuck where the main actors, fuckers and fucked alike, come from diverse backgrounds, have different reasons for participation in the act, albeit consent is neither assumed nor necessary in this situation, and expect different outcomes from the experience.

(The) Kardashians: The post-post-modern Armenian-American version of Aeschylus' well known Greek tragedy: The Libation-Bearers. The line “Go through with the murder—innocent at last” comes especially to mind and seems to “bear” particular relevance to the times at hand.

(The) Kasich: A type of LASIK surgery that enables people to see the world in a spectrum ranging from bland to meh.

(The) Klanama Papers: A legal term used to refer to any set of documents that end up confirming what so many of us have long suspected regarding the shitty nature of the world and its inhabitants (Also see PoorPutin).

Kurdophobia: A mental illness characterized by existential delirium known to strike the political elite in Turkey, Iran, Iraq and Syria. The illness is often accompanied by high fever and a tendency to shoot oneself in the foot repeatedly while firing at unarmed Kurdish protesters, or dropping bombs or chemical weapons on Kurdish civilians.   

L

Latakrimea and Tarturea: Taken together, they represent the equivalent of Valhalla in ancient Putinian mythology. The current Russian strongman Vladdie the Pu (AKA Vladdipus Rex. See Vladdipus) has long declared his belief that Latakrimea and Tarturea are not mythological places, and refer in fact to two ancient kingdoms that stretched from the Black Sea all the way to the easternmost coasts of the Mediterranean Sea. He has recently embarked on a major worldwide expedition in search of proof for his fantastical theory dismissed by all respected historians and archeologists.

(The) LeoCons: A political movement dedicated to changing the world and achieving global peace by conning lions and convincing them of the benefits of becoming sheep. Culling is also employed in the case of “difficult” and “hard to convince” lions. The LeoCons are ardent critics of the Shitealists.

M

Migraint: A new medical condition currently observed in Europe consisting of a particularly acute migraine. Scientists have noted a correlation between the spread of Migraint and the rise of the Migrants and Refugees Crisis. Further studies are needed to confirm this observation. Meanwhile doctors recommend a diet consisting of Cognac and tolerance to alleviate the symptoms of this potentially chronic condition.

(A) Moral Awakening: In the political world, calling for a moral awakening amounts to a Hail Mary pronouncement made in the hope of getting more and more people to think that the figure making the pronouncement is actually a “cool guy” who meant well and tried his best, irrespective of certain disastrous and amoral policies that he has championed. In other words, it’s the hope that more people will, in time, come to one’s way of thinking, and that history will one day and somehow vindicate one’s policies and decisions, moral considerations notwithstanding.

Mullanoma: A type of chronic itch that the afflicted can never hope to scratch no matter how hard they try. The itch is indeed known to drive certain of the afflicted, especially those dabbling in politics, to adopt ludicrous and self-defeating policies that end up empowering their enemies, both domestic and foreign. However, the medications often taken to relief the itch tend to have an overall dulling effect on all senses and sensations, thus allowing the afflicted to revel in imaged victories and accomplishments associated with the very defeatist policies they enacted. Currently, there are no effective treatments for mullanoma.  

N

(The) Numbing Element: A tragic development which came about, in part, as a result of policies advocated by Realists, but to which the Realists, ironically enough, point by way of showcasing their sense of humanity.

O

Obama: (Oba + maaaa): A term derived from an ancient African dialect, now rarely spoken, which, according to some experts, means literally the Goat Keeper. Not to be confused with Obima meaning the Goat Herder. Other experts, however, think the implication is rather offensive and that the actual meaning cannot be determined with any accuracy on the basis of existing evidence. Be that at it may, in practice, the term was used to refer to a powerful yet continuously befuddled warlock who ends up losing every confrontation he ever has with his enemies on account of his pathological obsession with reflecting, for far too long, on the potential fallouts and costs of any possible action on his part employed to address a certain rising challenge, a practice that often gives his enemies time to engage in more actions that end up creating even more challenges that need to be met, further complicating the initial situation that was being pondered and, in the process, necessitating a reassessment of any conclusions that had already been reached or were close to being reached, in addition to engagement in even more reflections on the implications of the new developments and complications as well as all related fallouts and costs entailed by any action that could be taken to address them, be it separately or in tandem with the old challenge.

(The) Obama Doctrine: A policy that advocates pursuits of courses of action that minimize the immediate risks while maximizing the immediate rewards for oneself, and showing little attention as to the consequences for others, and even for one’s future self. The doctrine is based on the inherent assumption that since the arc of history seems to eventually bend towards justice, there is little reason why people should overthink the long-term consequences of their policies or their immediate impact on others.

Obviously: A political term used to hide drastic change in policy. For example: Mr. Kerry described the Syrian opposition's demand that Assad must leave as soon as peace talks begin as a "nonstarting position, obviously." Translation: Mr. Kerry admitted during the press conference that both he and the administration were indeed outmaneuvered by the Russians and Iranians in regard to the Syrian conflict, and that their earlier reluctance to intervene, coupled with their stupidity and downright amoral stands seem to have contributed greatly to the matter. Mr. Kerry also admitted that neither he nor the administration was ready to deal with the consequences, which is why they preferred to defer to Russia on this matter from now on, Russia even if this policy constituted another amoral stand.

Okaka: An old epithet thought to be French in origin. It is the epithet that is likely to be bestowed, eventually and quite inevitably considering the raw materials involved, upon the presumptive Republican presidential candidate running in the 2016 presidential elections.

Olidog: A particularly rabid, vicious and overambitious oligarch. 

(The) Orange Horseman of the Apocalypse: See the Donald.

P

Palintology: A scientific multi-disciplinary approach to the study of empty minds and emptier rhetoric. Palintologists hope to, one day, be able to find a cure for the dumbing effect that such minds have on our own, through their seemingly entertaining and deceptively harmless shenanigans.

Placebo Politics (AKA Ersatz Politics): Political stands that prefer erring on the side on inaction, or, when pressures accumulate, the side of noncommittal action designed to make the politicians involved look responsive, while having minimal actual impact on the situation being addressed.

Plan B: An old invention by the punditocracy of democratic states meant primarily to save their face whenever their analyses, interpretations and predictions prove embarrassingly false, such as when they claim that a certain world leader plans to do A, when, in fact, he planned to do B all along. By claiming that this leader was somehow forced to resort to Plan B, members of the punditocracy avoid admitting that they earlier interpretations were wrong.

Platyputin: See Vladdipus.

Polonialism: The process of ridding oneself of useful idiots whose presence was once deemed necessary for helping their purported allies conduct or legitimate some hapless colonial endeavor but who have since outlived their usefulness. The process could take place a bit too fast and sudden in some cases, and a bit too slow and methodical in others. But, considering the nature of useful idiots and their role, the development itself is often a bit too inevitable.

Polonialist Coup:coup d’état carried out against a leader who was, for a while, someone's useful idiot.

A statue of Vladdie the Cullminator found in a
little corner near Moscow’s famous Red Square
The PoorPutin: In ancient Russian mythology, the PoorPutin is the name given to a corrupt and cruel autocrat who fends off challenges to his authority by rewarding loyalty and sycophancy among his immediate coterie, and masks his dark side and impulses through frequent and well-orchestrated public shows of joviality and bravado designed to endear him to the masses. The PoorPutin’s personality is so strong and dominant that he is often blamed as well for the evil acts committed by his coterie. It’s on account of this tendency that most deliriologists believe that the majority of Russian potentates described as PoorPutins suffer from a persecution complex, despite being the primary persecutors of their societies. According to the famous renaissance deliriologist, Phried Umbilico, the infamous Russian czar Vladdie the Cullminator was an “excellent example of a traditional PoorPutin, for although he had a tendency to fuck his daughters and eat his wives, he was generous to his friends – to a fault, in fact, as the recently leaked Klanama Papers reveal – and popularly known for his killer joviality.”

Not to be confused with the PurrPutin – a genus of wildcats known to inhabit the Siberian steppes where it survives by digging up and consuming what’s locally known as the Gulag Juice: a dark and rich soil derived from the decaying corpses of former dissidents and purged party leaders long buried in cold shallow graves where it is mixed with permafrost, animal dung, dead hopes and dream, and wasted human potential. According to Phried Umbilico, there is indeed a connection between PoorPutins and PurrPutins, which is why many people tend to confuse them. Almost every PoorPutin, Umbilico notes, is known to have been an avid collector and “domesticator,” if such thing is possible, of PurrPutins.

Pukha and Vladali: Russo-Persian drinks made of the fermented quintessence of shit, self-righteous lies, and illusions of grandeur. Pukha is often consumed during a morning ritual that features a number of executions followed by public bridal showers for the spouses of the executed who are believed to have regained their virginity and could now be pounced upon by the nearest relative. Vladali, on the other hand, is consumed before going to sleep as it is known for enabling sleepers to remember every gory detail of their ghoulish dreams of endless blood-fests and virgin-sacrifices upon waking up.

Pundorons, Pundwits & Pundompoops: a growing assortment of usually quite intelligent pundits who can, nonetheless, come off as extremely dimwitted and downright driveling nincompoops in connection to certain issues where their ideological stands seem to serve as powerful filters through which the dictates of their otherwise sound minds tend to go through before reaching the fact-processing centers in their fact-riddled brains. Thomas Friedman and Farid Zakaria serve as “excellent” examples of this increasingly troubling phenomenon. The rumor that they might be launching their own business venture soon, a sweets shop that will be reportedly named the Zak & Fried, seem to point by itself to their waning prognostication skills. Some of their colleagues have reportedly advised them to acquire instead some shares in the Fisk & Cock (See Under F).

(The) Putinistas: A substratum of so-called pubic intellectuals and politicians who continue to think of other peoples’ freedom and basic aspirations as constituting an unfair burden on them and is simply too much to bear.

Purdogan: The political equivalent of Bennifer or Brangelina, minus the sex appeal. That is, unless one has a fetish for fiends or ghouls. Purdogans are known for their continuous struggle with self-loathing which often compels them to lash out against all those standing around them within a circle a million mile in radius, before taking their own lives, often by proxy.

Purdogatory: An extreme reaction to irony characterized by repeated and vicious recourse to self-flagellation by proxy. 

Q

(The) Qardashian Effect: 1) The dumbing down effect that traditional faith systems have on the minds of their followers, especially those belonging to the male persuasion; 2) A desperate ploy used by certain bloggers to generate more hits and possibly grater user interaction consisting of posting nude photos of Qim Qardashian on their blogs.  

R

Refugrants: A group of people made up of migrants and refugees. Or, people who were driven out from their homes and forced to become refugees in neighboring country, be it as a result of conflict or natural disasters, then, chose to migrate farther in search of better living conditions and a better future for their children.

Refugenics: A nonexistent field of scientific inquiry concerned with analyzing “refugees” both as a transformational socioeconomic and political development, and as a psychological phenomenon that leaves deep imprints on the lives of the people involved, their host communities as well as their original communities.

Example: Despite being a nonexistent field of scientific inquiry, the founders of Refugenics, aka refugenicists, hope that their findings could be used by all parties to the Migraint Crisis: the countries of origin as they struggle to find peace and rebuild their shattered infrastructure and sense of identity, the host countries in their efforts to integrate incoming refugees in a manner that is respectful of their humanity and potential, and the refugees themselves as they grapple with their new sociopolitical and cultural environments.  

(The) Rhodes Effect: A sharp turn in the public debate allowing a political establishment not interested in discussing the real issue to shift the ongoing debate allowing it to focus on some vacuous yet seemingly important revelations. In that sense, it is really no different than the better known Drumpf Effect, except for the latter’s penchant for the crass and dramatic.  

(The) Rhodes Treatment: Spinning a certain yarn in such a way that makes it clear to one’s audience how much of a fucking asshole one happens to be. The yarn itself is often badly spun, as spinning is not really the point. 

Rhodegious: An adjective that refers to the unhealthy appearance of the object being described. It’s often employed within a political context with special reference to someone’s ego. As such, a person said to have a Rhodegious ego is not one with whom we could expect to have a pleasant conversation. On a related note, it’s often observed that people with Rhodesian egos often have small hands.

Rhoid Rage: A phenomenon observed mostly among people whose best ideas seem to come out of their ass. It largely involves gathering in large groups and speaking shit to power, while defecating on oneself. Most populist politicians and many of their supporters seem to suffer from this condition that continues to defy analysis. 

(A) Russian Withdrawal: A sexual counter-reproduction practice endorsed by the Russian Orthodox Church as well as Russia’s perennially presumptive and presumptuous potentate, Vladimir Putin, that experts describe more as a redeployment than an actual withdrawal, which explains why it often fails to prevent pregnancy, or to make the sexual experience more often to those on the penetrated end of the not-so-delicate process.

S

Saudomy: The practice of abandoning a longtime ally in favor of a longtime enemy for no apparent reason, and despite the fact that both the betrayed ally and the embraced enemy tend to embrace similar ruling ideologies and embrace same troubling behavior. Rational observers of this behavior conclude that the causes of this practice should be sought in the inner workings and ruling ideology of the adopting side, rather than the newly betrayed or embraced sides.

(The) Saffrogettes: The name given to members of the Saffron Guild, even the men who, in fact, make up the majority of the membership. The Safrogettes are fundamentally shitty people who try to hide their basic shittiness through deployment of colorful imagery and flowery language. They specialize in attending the signing ceremonies of any deal struck with the devil, hailing it as breakthrough, and castigating its critics.

Screeding: 1) A form of journalism where established journalists rail against the injustices perpetrated by certain regional and/or global actors, while totally ignoring or justifying similar behavior by others with whom they have certain ideological affinity, or whom they consider as representing a necessary or a milder form of evil. 2) A political speech.

Seriese Consecuencese: 1) A rare type of worm known to specifically inhabit the anal fissure of Russian Czar Vladdie the Pu, AKA Ivan the Orrible; 2) A mental illness characterized by impulsive overreaction to an idiotic challenge to one's own foolhardy overreach.

Sheer Shittery: All political discourse attempting to deny, whitewash, justify and/or legitimate authoritarianism and human rights violations.

(The) Shirk ‘N’ Shift (Also, the Shirk & Shift): The political and social practice of shirking responsibility for a certain developing situation, while attempting to shift the blame for the eventual mess resulting from the failure to act in a timely and effective fashion unto other parties.

Example: Since the outset of the Syrian Revolution, President Barack Obama has been engaging in a vigorous regime of Shirk ‘N’ Shift; the result: the worst humanitarian disaster in decades, weakened allies, empowered enemies and the collapse of the ethical underpinning of the Global Order. Furthermore, that American credibility that Obama vowed to restore at the beginning of his presidency might have just received her coup de grâce.

(The) Shitealists: A political movement dedicated to changing the world and achieving global peace by negotiating with the lions and joining them in fucking the sheep, in the hope that the more fucked up the sheep get the more sheepish they will become, thus, improving the chances of peacemaking. The Shitealists are the ideological enemies of the LeoCons.

(The) Shitly Witly: A financial one-stop shopping mall for the corrupt and authoritarian rulers and their families and friends, as well as for thieving entrepreneurs, terrorist groups, drug lords, human traffickers, and all other similarly honest representatives of our darkest human impulses. The mall features a variety of luxury stores run by major bank executives and major international law firms offering services that enable their psychopathic clientele to keep sleeping well at night, despite the hard work involved in the daily fleecing, skinning and occasional culling of the flock. The Shitly Witly is a limited liability corporation owned by the United Cullers of Humandom (see under U). Other superstores also run by the UCH include: The Shitly Knitly, a designer superstore for the Shitty and Infamous, The Shitly Bitly, an electronics superstore for the same clientele, The Shitly Kitly, a designer drug store, The Shitly Hitly, your one-stop shop for the best hitmen with the shittiest morals, and The Shitly Titly – a shitlymen club.

(The) Shit Shat: A sex game that is quite popular within the ranks of the Shitty and Infamous, and is largely believed to be the main cause behind the malodorous aroma that usually surrounds shitlymen clubs, such as the Shitly Titly chain (Also see the Shitly Witly).

Sisi: An ancient Egyptian epithet given to a weak Pharaoh whose true loyalty often goes to the highest fucker. Not to be confused with… Mubarak: an ancient Egyptian epithet given to the Pharaoh who survives by devouring his subjects. Historically speaking, a Mubarak was often followed by a Sisi, usually after a brief interregnum of bullshittery. For his part, a Sisi often meets a tragic end and is usually followed by long period of chaos and blood-fuckery.

Spokesghouls: Spokespeople of authoritarian regimes. Just like the rulers they serve, they usually have the morals of lice, the demeanor of mice and the looks of your average street-tested trashcan. On occasions, the term could be modified into spokesmotherghoul or spokesfienghouls (See Fienghouls).

Sushi Saudimi: A particularly spicy fish dish popular in Saudi Arabia and other member states of the Gulf Cooperation Council. It is often made with the Khalijli fish, native to Gulf waters, but on many occasions Khayali and Wahmi fish, also native to Gulf waters, are also added to the mix. First, the fish is chopped and left to marinate overnight in unrefined oil, while a special sheikh intones verses of the Furqan, a special Qur’an which certain Wahhabi scholars believe that only fish can understand. Then, the fish is cooked within the bowls of a dead camel where it is slowly roasted for 24-36 hours by the natural gasses emanating from the decaying corpse and trapped within the bowls. A special scholar is, then, called upon to make the first cut in the camel’s abdomen to retrieve the fish bits, now thoroughly cooked. Finally, and just before consumption, the fish gets drenched with special Wahhabi sauce who secret is known only to the special ruling council of the Wahhabi Establishment. Before partaking of the delicacy, remember to incant the famous prayer “Aakuluki wa akrahu n-Nisaa’ wa akta’u raas al-shu’araa, ithan ana Wahhabi,” which you would understand had you been a fish.

Syrialysis: A form of paralysis that befalls some politicians whenever they are required to do the moral thing in the absence of any guarantees of eventual success and accolades.

T

Technically: A political term meant to hide the truth. For example: The Nigerian military is close to meeting its December deadline to defeat the Boko Haram militant group, President Muhammadu Buhari told BBC late Wednesday. "I think, technically, we have won the war." Translation: We're nowhere near victory, and, in fact, we're getting our ass kicked.

(The) TED Balks: The mass departure, or balking, of audiences whenever Senator Ted Cruz shows up for an event, unless, that is, they were held at gun point. Sociologists and Mass Psychologists often refer to this phenomenon as a further proof of another phenomenon known as “wisdom of the crowd.”

Tedcruzemia: An ailment that befalls certain politicians making them see victory in defeat, acceptance in rejection and signs of likeability in mass hysterical gag reflexes at their very sight. The inflicted are the kind of politicians who often fail to get sincere endorsements even from their mothers. Physical manifestations of the disease include: severe halitosis, bloating of the innards and the ego alike, small oily hands, large yellowish toenails and fried brains.

TEDead (AKA UNTrusTED): A badly defeated politician who inspires little to no sympathy among his followers, including his family, on account of his effusively rancid personality. 

Terrorism: Terrible crimes centered on killing and meant to deliver a certain message of purported political or social import, though they are, in fact, nothing more than nihilistic acts of senseless rebellion driven by hate, self-loathing and despair mascaraing as commitment to a larger cause, albeit hate and lust for power is more often the prime motivators of those who end up as leaders of the terrorist organizations. In regard to popular perceptions, terrorism is often seen as a sensational though senseless crime perpetrated against “us” by certain “them” deemed as evil and foreign even if they were second or third generation citizens. The selfsame crimes, however, are celebrated as “necessary,” “justifiable” and “legitimate” acts of “resistance” by their perpetrators, their few sympathizers within the ranks of “them,” and their far more numerous sympathizers among the self-loathing segments found among “us.”

Tink-Tank (Also, Tinkle-Tank): The temple where Delirealists (See Delirealism) gather to perform their communal worship, and discuss the latest exegeses by their scholars, which often deal with the banality of the human spirit and the presumptuousness of those who seek to be free from oppression.  

Tovarendim (Tovarishch + Effendim): a Russo-Turkish hybrid word whose meaning could be either "Your Excellency" or "You Asshole" depending on the context.  

Truly: See Actually.

Trumpcasm: A foolish comment that often smacks of treason and is made by a public figure, often a politician or someone running for political office. In response to the public uproar it inevitably engenders, the comment is often recanted and dismissed as having been sarcastic in nature by the figures in question or their spokespeople. Not to be confused with… 

(The) Trump Chasm: A wide gulf separating certain public figures from sanity and decency.

Trumpeces: A viral disease that affects the brain resulting in the production of the brain’s equivalent of fecal matter, unsurprisingly known as “the brown matter,” which, once it reaches a certain threshold, leads to a severe case of sepsis, random firing of neurons, and the poisoning of the infected’s mind, soul and thoughts. Although the disease is known to be always present on a small scale in various spots around the world, major outbreaks are known to happen every two to three decades, often resulting in rise of fascist currents in countries around the world. The affected population is usually referred to as the Trumpen Proletariat. But the virus itself is known as the Trumpioca Virus, and is known to emerge in clusters buried in one’s own feces. Trumpioca can only be passed to the brain through direct and regular consumption of mass quantities of infected fecal matter over a longer period of time, usually 2-4 months. This makes the recurrence of major outbreaks of the disease, or any outbreaks of it for that matter, a rather baffling phenomenon for scientists who are at a loss when it comes to understanding why so many people who could afford regular food choose to gorge themselves on infected feces over a long period of time, considering that even populations hard hit by famine tend to avoid consuming fecal matter. The issue continues to be hotly debated in medical circles around the world, with most scientists agreeing that further field research is needed.

(The) Trumpen Broletariat: A previously secret society made up of white racist and misogynistic men who willingly admit a few women and minorities into its ranks by way of a bad inside joke as well as to clean the dishes, wash the dirty laundry and continuously polish the society’s image. The society’s has recently shed away its veil of secrecy in favor of a more overt take-over of the Republican Party. Not to be confused with the Trumpen Proletariat. 

(The) Trumpen Proletariat:  See Trumpeces.

(The) Trumpioca Virus: See Trumpeces.  

Trumpledore: A wizard that lacks wisdom, mirth and intelligence, but who has lots of money, which makes all the difference.  

(The) Trumplitias (AKA the Orange Heads): An aspirational modern-day American equivalent of the Brown Shirts where membership seems based on IQ scores, the lower they are the higher the rank, the louder the voice and the smaller the hands. 

(The) Trumpoline: A political journey of self-discovery that involves repeated highs and lows, climax and anti-climax, all measured using an instrument known as the PAS, or the Pure Assholery Scale. A politician who embarks on this journey has to be an asshole to begin with. His moments of High Assholery usually coincide with his ability to inspire similar behavior among friends and enemies alike. Moments of low assholery, on the other hand, coincide with a more restricted ability to inspire imitation, usually involving only the faithful followers, and some of the most ardent enemies. Social mathematicians have recently developed the Assholery Flux Index (AFI) to describe the dynamics of ongoing rhythmic fluctuations of so-called Assholeric Behavior in politicians and other public figures, by monitoring the range of Assholeric micro-behaviors over time as being a function of Ego (E), Stupidity (S), Greed (G) and Unenlightened Indifference (UI). Or to put it in mathematical terms:



Where DoC stands for: Dawn of Consciousness, and IRQs for: Inherent Remedial Qualities.

Thus, each Assholery Flux Index corresponds to a particular range of Assholeric Behavior on the Pure Assholery Scale. An AFI >= 1 corresponds with a range of behavior that is severely anti-climactic in nature on PAS, while an AFI <= 10 corresponds with a range of behavior that is High or Climactic on PAS, and so on. 

Trumpon: 1) A politician or an entrepreneur, or an entrepreneur turned politician, or vice versa, whose successes seem to come as a direct and obvious result of a long series of deals with the Devil Himself. 2) A type of tampon made for men who suffer from a chronic case of hemorrhoids. 

(The) Trumpone: A modern musical instrument in the orange brass family currently popular among certain White American Tribes. To an outsider, its sounds may mimic bowl movements, but to members of the tribes, the sounds the Trumpone seem to have a mesmerizing and hypnotic effect that can, depending on the particular combination of notes, generously speaking, put them into deep blissful sleep, cause amnesia coupled with a distorted view of reality, or, as some reports claim, rouse them into bouts of uncontrollable rage making them behave, more or less, like hordes of hungry dancing piranhas around the carcass of an unfortunate sacrificial bull.

Trumbuktu: An alternate reality where white people are the Christian masters of all other races, on earth and across the Universe, and where all these other races are happy with their lot, serving their deserving masters with joy and contentment, willingly building the required separation walls and trenches to help the White Race preserve its divine purity.

(The) TrumPutinA nightmarish creature whose birth was first prophesized by the Keepers of the Holy Deliricon at the end of 2015 – a prophecy that, in the aftermath of the 2016 Republican National Convention, can be said to have been officially fulfilled. The TrumPutin is a shapeshifting vampirical creature known to feed on the dreams, desires and aspirations as well as the fears, prejudices and delusions of its avowed followers. To stoke the levels of fear and delusions present, the TrumPutin is known to enter into secret, and occasionally even open, alliances with the known enemies of its followers in a macabre symbiotic relation that keep their peoples’ brains in a perpetual state of mushiness allowing for their continued enslavement.

Trumpweet: A special type of Tweets that brings much attention coupled with big headaches to the Twitterati involved, proving that not all publicity ends up being good. Not to be confused with Trumpweed.

Trumpweed: A highly toxic herb known to induce bouts of insanity, indecency and moral turpitude among those who come in close contact with it. Currently, it is known to grow only on Donald J. Trump's head.

 U

(The) United Cullers of Humandom: the international consortium dedicated to keeping the human flock size in check through seemingly random acts of genocide and ethnic cleansing. The UCH are major stakeholders in Club Shit.

V

Valtheon (Valhalla + Pantheon): A pantheon for figures who inspire delirium and delireaslim. 

Vladali and Pukha: Russo-Persian drinks made of the fermented quintessence of shit, self-righteous lies, and illusions of grandeur. Pukha is often consumed during a morning ritual that features a number of executions followed by public bridal showers for the spouses of the executed who are believed to have regained their virginity and could now be pounced upon by the nearest relative. Vladali, on the other hand, is consumed before going to sleep as it is known for enabling sleepers to remember every gory detail of their ghoulish dreams of endless blood-fests and virgin-sacrifices upon waking up.

Vladdipus (AKA Platyputin): A semi-aquatic creature known to inhabit the Moskva River and its environs, with a special fondness for the Kremlin’s hallways where he is known to roam at night howling at the invisible moon of his despair. The Vladdipus lives by feeding on fear and hesitation and defecating empty promises of grandeur. He is also known to go ballistic whenever his own schemes backfire on him.

W

Whackamolia: A land that would have been considered mythical and fantastical had it not been all too real. It in effect overlays the known world imposing a new reality on it that allows for certain security threats to seem defeated in certain locations, only to emerge, almost simultaneously, elsewhere, where it metastasizes and fractures giving birth to new entities that will develop lives and minds of their own. Once all attention is shifted to them, the original threatening entity soon reemerges in its old habitats, even as it continues to spread elsewhere as well. One has to develop two, three, ten hands, and keep on developing hands, as it tries to whack this mole that keeps gnawing at its skin.

Not to be confused with Guacamolia – a new restaurant chain dedicated to celebrating the countless ways in which Guacamole can enchant the human pallet by fusing together different cuisines from the Far East to the rugged West. The chain will be launched once a certain author and activist wins the lottery, finds the right partners and learns how to cook.

Wrathmania: An annual competition that pits irrelevant and deranged autocrats against their favorite windmills.
  
(The) WrathPutin: A forever wannabe Czar that will never be Czar as he keeps mistaking thuggery for power, guile for wisdom and popular adulation for meaningful achievement. 

Y

The Yahu Agents, The Yahu Moment, The Yahu Virus: See (The) Benjamin Netanyahu Disease under B.

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